I’m home. It hasn’t quite gone as expected. Apparently it’s not really the right time of years for kittens. We’ve spent days searching for one and responding to ads, but it looks like it’s not going to happen. It’s not such a big deal, just unfortunate that I spent the whole week leading up to spring break looking forward to cuddling and petting a kitten all day and generally taking care of it.

Yesterday we went to the mall and I bought two packs of underwear. This is good, because much of my underwear at school has disappeared, or shrunk, or fallen apart.

It seems like most of break is going to be doing homework (too much, gah) and helping my grandparents with the computer. Not that I mind helping them, but they assume since I don’t have any particular plans that I would love to come over everytime the email doesn’t show up or they need to order photos or they forget to save a document and lose a whole bunch of work. I feel like an unpaid Geek On Call. I also feel like a little kid. Yesterday I was dumped there for 6 hours, and there was nothing I could do about it. No car, and Papi was too busy on a Sunday night to take me home, even though he was still sitting in front of the TV when Mummy finally came to pick me up. Ma can’t drive at night. She can barely drive during the day.

I’m in a whiny mood, obviously. I blame my knack for getting sick whenever I have a break. My nose is running, my eyes are sealed half shut and my through is sore. Infinitely preferable to stomach flu, however. Probably not best to keep looking at this computer screen. And I’m off!

tags: home, mike, nix

Phases in my moods and life in the past few months:

Dec 9 – Dec 20. “Happy and Uneventful Stage.” Classes end . At first a bit bored, but then get really into knitting my very first alpaca sweater and watch the first season of the OC with McComas. Finally start to feel like I really belong at Brown and like I have real friends there. Spending most of my time avoiding my roommates and being in my room with them, but other than that everything is spiffy.

Dec 21 – Jan 22. “Bored, Lonely and Restless Stage.” I come home. Me and Mike break up the first day he comes back. I’m can’t really figure out or remember why we did. I’m not so much sad at first, probably more in shock. All I am annoyed about is that now I have no one “on call” to hang out with any time, especially after Katie goes back to school and Mummy goes to work. I try to continue hanging out with Mike frequently, he understandably doesn’t feel ready yet. We still talk online every day pretty normally though. We start hanging out successfully a few days before he goes off to India. I desperately want to go back to school because I have nothing to do at home and no one to see for much of the time.

Jan 22 – Feb 11(I think?). “Back to School Stressed and Busy Stage.” Classes and work start up again. I am happily busy until I realize I hate three of the classes I preregistered for and need to drop them. Desperately scramble around to get more classes. Attend five for awhile as well as three sections all for one class in order to finally get into PS 105 so I can drop MC 15 which I didn’t really like.

Feb 11 – Past few days. “Sick and Heartbroken.” Come to the sudden realization that while we definitely needed a break, I still really, really like Mike and feel like there is no one else out there like him. Make the mistake of assuming he might have also come to the same realization and that it would be a good idea to tell him that I still really like him and would like to get back together. I was wrong. Telling him how I feel makes him feel uncomfortable. He stops being as responsive online, ignores any phone calls I make and emails I send. I feel crushed and rejected and can’t understand or accept how he could feel so differently about me in such a short amount of time.

But I also understand a repulsion for people who you don’t like who like you. Realize that if I want to be friends with him at all I am going to have to get over any hopes of getting back together, or at least never mention or act on them. Try to make it clear I won’t bring it up again. He is still sort unresponsive. Can’t tell if he has nothing to say or if he is still repulsed by me. Giving up on trying to get a word out of him about what he is thinking or how he feels.

Miss him especially while I am sick.

Brings us to now. Not sick anymore. Usually wake up and remember that I have lost Mike and get sort of sad. But once I start moving around and go to work or class I get out of my funk and am in a relatively good mood. Only troubled now by not having any idea what is going through his head, not having any real conversations, but I guess that is something I should get used to. Hoping this is not the way things will always be, and that time will fix everything.

tags: mike

One thing that I regret is falling asleep so many times while hanging out with Mike. I don’t know how much control over my heavy eyelids, but I’m pretty sure I had more control than I regularly exerted.

I’ve chillaxed a lot more since yesterday afternoon. I’m at work right now. A job that would otherwise be mind numbingly boring is mind numbingly comforting, a pleasant interlude between treks across campus, juggling six classes in my head and homework.

I visited my old room last night. Jessie and Alli have turned my bed into a Japanese-style table. They took off the doors of one of the wardrobes to lay over the springs. My mattress has been piled on top of Alli’s so that she has a very thick, squishy bed.

The Ratty has a lot of different types of olive oil. Garlic is too overpowering. Basil is all right. I tried a lemon olive oil yesterday though, and it was fantastic.

tags: brown, mike, work

Life sucks.

AHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

tags: home, mike, nix

I went over to Brittney’s and taught her how to purl. I fished my sweater out of the corner of my closet that I threw it into. I fixed the neck. We watched “Fever Pitch.” It was cute beyond belief. Jimmy Fallon’s character was so wonderfully awkward and sweet.

We found someone to buy my laptop. He’s going to come over today. I’m relieved.

The moral of the story is that I’m feeling better. Still sort of antisocial, but hey, that’s normal. Nothing has changed drastically but little things are getting better, and time is passing which can only be a good thing. Soon it will be New Years, soon my new computer/sidekick will arrive, soon I’ll be able to go on my little road trip to see the two Katies, soon I’ll find out whether I got new housing or not, and then soon I will be back at school and in class and in a dorm and working at my job in the Rock.

In the mean time I’m home and it’s all right and I like my house and my mom and knitting and being a hermit. We might get a Netflix subscription soon, which would be fun. I’m sorry to everyone who reads this for being such a downer. Things with Mike are not bad at all. I think when my new computer comes he will be okay to help me partition the hard drive and install Ubuntu and get Banshee working and all that stuff. But even if he’s not okay to help me in person, that’s okay too.

tags: brown, friends, home, mike, navi

Zack has started eating again. I reformatted my laptop and reinstalled Windows. I finally got Windows to detect the wireless card after I downloaded and installed the drivers. I ordered a new computer, a ThinkPad, like my very first laptop. It is almost identical to Mike’s laptop except that his had a 9 cell battery that sticks out and mine will have a 6 cell battery. It should get here before I go back to school. In the mean time, I am trying to sell this computer. I posted it on craigslist. The problem is that I don’t really know how to sell things. I’m going to have Mummy read all the offers and figure out the whole exchange thing. Hopefully someone won’t mind paying with cash or a cashier’s check. I’ll only get less than a quarter of what the computer cost to begin with, but whatever. Anything to go towards the new computer and my currently depleted savings account.

I had been working on a sweater made out of cotton but I overcompensated after my first sweater and made the neck way too big. Then I did spent hours do the same thing with a sleeve. I ripped the sleeve apart and threw the body of the sweater in my closet. I don’t want to see it again, or at least for awhile. The one thing keeping me occupied and feeling productive is now too infuriating to face. I can’t believe I spent all that time totally miscalculating my stitches. Maybe I should take the entire thing apart and start over again.

I make Mike too upset to hang out with him. Katie is good, but Chris just got here to visit and soon they will both be going back to Amherst. Maya is leaving for six months soon. I don’t really have anything to say to anyone else. Break is reminiscent of last year, except minus Mike, so that much worse. Why didn’t I see this coming when Marjorie warned me that lots of her Brown student patients complain about how long winter break is? I guess I figured it would be fine because me and Mike could hang around and watch videos and cook and eat and lounge around the whole time, but I don’t think he will want to see me at all before he goes to India. He’s probably having a much better time anyway, doing fun and exciting stuff with his friends. All I ever did was use the computer and sleep. By that, I mean all I ever do. So much for my best friend.

I just want to leave as soon as possible.

tags: home, mike, navi, nix