(07:11:09) me: AMHERST TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!!!! (07:11:13) McComas < auto -REPLY >: sleep until 9am
class 11-12
amherst to infinity and beyond!

tags: amherst, brown, clips, friends, photography

It’s off to Amherst tomorrow with McComas. I’m really excited to be going there with her, and in a car, no less! Also I’m staying with Katie which will be nice because I didn’t get a chance to see her at all last time. I’m sort of nervous though; it’s Parents’ Weekend at Amherst and I don’t think Mike has told his parents yet that I’m going to be in town too. Awkward. Oh well — either way, it’ll be an adventure. Last weekend here was boring and long, I am ready to get out of here for a few days already.

I’m tired and a little bored. I finished all significant work for the week. I could pack, but I’m trying to save that for tomorrow morning when I have nothing to do except wait around in anticipation of The Escape. Mike is at a concert. Jessie is at play rehearsal and Alli is out. It’s nice to have the room to myself. I hope if I go to sleep early I don’t wake up a whole bunch of times.

Political Thought seminar was disappointing. We were discussing Marx. Any argument that was made was countered by the TA playing devil’s advocate: “Oh, but [insert argument here] is just a capitalistic idea that you have because you were brought up in a capitalist society.” It was frustrating and boring. What kind of argument is that? We could argue back that Marx just thinks communism is good because he has a communist worldview. It was like if you tried to criticize communism, it meant that you didn’t and couldn’t really understand communism. Just trust us, go with them, it’ll be better. That’s not convincing. I don’t know what the TA was getting at. He spoke up a lot more than usual, every time reiterating the same line. I realize that it’s not necessarily fair to criticize communism-the-theory based on how it turned out in Russia, China and Cuba. But that doesn’t mean it is immune to criticism. No wonder communism gets a bad rap…seminar was infuriating. I wanted to bring up stuff from Mill, to see what people thought about communism’s effect on innovation and creativity. But there didn’t seem to be any point, because of course I must value those things thanks to my capitalist upbringing. I barely talked at all. I just sat there.

I am very constipated, so I have bran flakes and mini-wheats for dinner along with minestrone soup. I wonder what food I’ll eat at Katie’s. I don’t think she ever eats at the dining hall, since she’s living in a mod…they just have a kitchen and she buys her own food. I know she has pasta but I’m not sure about vegetables or fruit or fiber-full cereal. Maybe Mike can smuggle me some food from his dining hall. Maybe he can stay the night at Hampshire, if Katie didn’t mind. I just want to spend time with friendly faces for as much of the weekend that I can, so I can save up a reservoir strength and comfort and contentness and make it last.

tags: amherst, class, friends

I have excellent Brown WiFi reception, and vpnc has finally worked! I can use Gaim. I think the trick was plugging in my laptop. Or maybe this place is just extraordinarily lucky. I like it. It’s not as far as the Rock or the Sci Li, yet not as close as the Gross Reading Room or Amherst-worthy Media Room. I found a cafe-booth-like bench (couch? chair) with an attached swivelly table that makes a perfect place to put my laptop. I feel sort of like I am in a cave but at least there are triangular skylights and woodpaneling and a pale yellow-green wall. And lots of electrical outlets!

I went to sleep last night at 10. I woke up at 11. I went to sleep again until 2 something. I texted back and forth with Mike a bit, and then lay in bed unable to sleep until 3 something. Fell asleep until 4 something when Mike finally got back. Texted good night. Fell back asleep until 820. I don’t know if this whole trying to stay up until Mike gets back slash periodically checking in thing is good for my health, but I don’t know what else to do. It makes me feel less lonely and more purposeful, like I’m there along with him in spirit having fun even though really I’m sitting around napping or doing nothing in my room all night. Virtual wingman…wingwoman? You can carry me in your pocket and turn me off conveniently. I wish there was to make myself sleep in until he or Jessie and Alli woke up, so the mornings wouldn’t be so quiet.

At least this study lounge is nice. Maybe tonight will be more successful. I’m not sad about it or anything, I just don’t really know what to do with myself. Objectively, what kind of life is this? It’s okay when I’m okay. Mummy does more on the weekends than me at this point, however. Am I wasting time? What is there to waste? What do I want? I don’t know. I wish I could talk more or spend more time with Mike, or have people like he does here for when I am not there. I don’t know what I want.

Back to essay writing.

tags: amherst, brown, mike, pensieve

I picked up my boots from the post office today. Considering their price, they are really quite nice. It’s a chore getting used to having my ankles constrained, but otherwise they are really comfortable. They’re lined with sherpa which hopefully means they will help my feet survive the Providence and Amherst winters. They make me really happy. I feel prepared. There is nothing more satisfying than going overboard layering up on a freezing day and beating the cold. I might need to consider buying more long underwear, though, after having really cold legs the entire weekend.

Taking my camera to Amherst was great. I only regret taking more photos of Mike’s friends, and B-CC people. I haven’t gotten to the stage of confidence I had in high school, where I could go up to anyone, ask and snap a picture. Now that I have a Flickr pro account and am more comfortable with F-Spot, I feel like taking photos everywhere I go…I’m also trying to get in the habit of posting more because I’ve decided it makes a noticeable difference in my days. It’s definitely a calming routine that helps me focus and encourages me to get out of my head and be a little more detached from my inner monologue.

tags: amherst, photography

What a weekend. Bus delays and other transporation related mishaps stressed me out. But what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, right? I’ll be prepared for the worst next time.

I got to know Mike’s friends a lot better. Still very jealous of them and envious of him. I met David for the first time, who could be Eric in another life. He was so much like him that I now I miss both of them. Tall, skinny, similar voice and clothing. He likes indie rock too. Where are the Davids and Erics at Brown? I feel stupid even saying that, though. I still have them, or at least Eric, even though I’m not at GWU anymore. And I shouldn’t be replacing people. I don’t know. I just need someone.

It turns out that in two weeks when McComas and I were planning to drive to Amherst is Parents’ Weekend for Mike. Oops. Luckily Katie said it was okay for me to stay with her, and it’ll be nice because I missed seeing her this weekend. I’m looking forward to it, a lot. I wish I felt more comfortable on my own. I think I just have to face the fact that I wasn’t designed for college. I’m an old lady who should be living by herself in a house with a bunch of cats, trapped inside the body of a college student.

I wish visiting Mike was less painful and confusing. Not that I would rather not go — never. In high school everything was so settled and made so much sense. I was never this [fill the blank] bored, lonely, unsure of myself, uncomfortable, unbalanced. When I’m with Mike, or anyone really, and engaged, everything seems okay. But everyone always goes away eventually, I have to leave Amherst or go to bed and then I wake up in the morning and it is lonely again. I never used to have such a problem with being lonely. I think it’s more of a distraction thing. My mind is too hyperactive, if it is left alone for too long (or even just for a little while) it inevitably turns too anything depressing I can come up with. I’m afraid that I’ve rubbed off on Mike too. I don’t think he got nervous or sad in the same way before he knew me. Of course, I wouldn’t know…this is probably just another one of those thoughts.

tags: amherst, brown, mike, nix

tags: amherst, friends, mike, photography